Sunday, February 8, 2009

Bad Habits


We all have bad habits. There are so many to choose from. Smoking, chewing your fingernails, laziness, picking your nose, talking too much and on and on they go. I also think that the way my defense mechanisms are these days are now bad habits. Sure, they originated from need and from a very bad place as a child and subsequent traumas over the years. And while I need to address the core issues there, to a degree, the negative spiral of thinking and pathways of emotions that surround me every day, making life so very difficult and joy very limited, is habitual. While I know it doesn't work, I still do it. Do things without a conscious thought to stop it or intervene or change it. Just like a bad habit. It takes a lot of energy and conscious thought to change bad habits. As it will do with the way I criticise myself or judge myself on standards I've borrowed from others and from society. Using these things to beat and pummel myself, until I am weary and have no motivation or belief in myself. And fear. Fear is with me all the time. I live with a certain level of hyper-vigilance - one step away from panic it seems. But I accept this and assume I must get used to it. Yet I flee from the fear if I can, distract with not always healthy choices, avoid what I really want in life in case I ignite a flicker of fear or other negative emotional set, erect barriers of all sorts to keep me safe, control every possible thing I can and basically sabotage my own dreams and joys with old coping and defense mechanisms that are triggered far too easily and that I allow to run their course. Yes, they were born from great trauma. Yes, I need to deal with the inner darkness and the "root of all evil" so to speak. But the chaos inside can surely be turned down a few notches. The intensity of the fear tolerated by letting it in and realising I have nothing in the current moment to fear. The paralysing criticism/judgement reigned in, so I am freer to attempt the things I crave, the things I love, the dreams I want to pursue. Freer to live. To let joy in. Bad habits - far more than smoking or nose picking. And far more damaging and far reaching into daily lives.

2 comments:

  1. I know for me i slip in to the pattern of self destructive behaivour thoughts and feelings so easy

    I need to challenge my thoughts and just because it feels that way does not make it right or true

    its tough really tough but I can do it

    I believe in you and your talents are many :)

    deb

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  2. It is very tough because we've had these mechanisms in place for many years and they are automatic. We had very good reasons to have them in place and it's not to say we don't need to deal with the deeper issues, but I am going to try working harder on not getting lost and stuck and sucked down in those cycles that leave me drained and wanting. We can do it together Deb. I know we can. It's, for me, a matter of survival now.

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